Because Being A Mum Can Be Scary Enough…
Forget ghouls, witches and things that go bump in the night. Being a mum is pretty scary some days. Especially when it becomes apparent that you’ve ended up some way away from your mothering ideal. Here’s some of my scariest moments.
1. Wiping my child’s nose with my jumper/hand/anything I can find.
I always imagined that when I became a mum, I would carry a pack of tissues with me. In fact, this makes my New Year’s resolution list EVERY year. Alas, no. I am that mum that when she is forced to recognise her child has a snotty nose (i.e. can’t ignore it any longer), I wipe it with my hand or jumper. Yuk.
2. Forgetting stuff.
I used to be a PA. Organisation was my middle name. I was the person people relied on to get stuff done. Since having kids it’s like I’m taking a sabbatical from all that. It’s almost as if I’ve said to myself, ‘Hey you’ve stopped working now. Time to let it all go and hope for the best.‘ And that is pretty much how I parent. I hope. For the best. A lot. Last week at school we forgot a) my daughter’s ukelele (don’t even get me started on how a ukelele is now part of the curriculum), b) my daughter’s guitar (which she insists on learning because it’s brilliant fun NOT practicing TWO instruments), and c) my daughter’s snack EVERY day (it’s actually her responsibility to remember to pack this but being 7 years old, when she inevitably forgets it, the only one who looks bad is me).
3. Biting my tongue.
I really struggle to be the bigger person when it comes to being a parent. Because sometimes kids are just so irritating aren’t they? And rude. When a seven year old rolls her eyes at you, how are you supposed to ride that out? I’m learning slowly but if I’m particularly tired (always) or just desperate for bedtime (always), it takes every fibre of my being not to act like a child back. I don’t know where they get it from. Ha ha.
4. Wondering if I have all my children.
I know that I have three children, as a general rule of thumb. But sometimes I get a bit confused with where they all need to be and when. And there’s always those panicky moments where I realise I only have two and wonder if I should actually have three. Then I remember that one is on a playdate and I can breathe a sigh of relief. I know other people who do this too by the way, just in case you think I’m completely nuts. I actually know people who have left a child somewhere, by mistake. Ok, I realise that this is now making me and my friends sound really irresponsible. We probably shouldn’t have had kids in the first place.
5. For a while, it seemed that I was always pregnant, breastfeeding or having more kids.
Now that this door is firmly closed (locked and triple bolted, just to be totally safe), there’s been more opportunity for me to go ‘out out,’ which of course has meant more hangovers. Anyone who’s done it will know there is nothing scarier than being a hungover mum who has children to keep alive. Gone are the days of lounging around on the sofa with a bacon sandwich watching soaps. Now you will be forced to watch Peppa Pig on loop, change nappies and wipe bottoms whilst fighting back the waves of nausea. It’s almost horrendous enough to make you want to get pregnant again, just to have nine months of induced sobriety. Then you remember that pregnancy is a lot like being hungover and totally rethink that one. So instead you vow never to drink again. Herbal tea, anyone?